I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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