I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
