1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
