A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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