i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
