dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
