Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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