threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Operation Purity has been aborted
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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