Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
