who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
