My nipple is on Facebook.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
