When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
