i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
