That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
