Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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