When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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