I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize