Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I touched a dick in church today
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
