No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
