I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
