Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
