I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
