I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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