The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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