Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
