I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
