i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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