Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
