you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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