your parents love me but you hate me
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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