....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize