did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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