I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
