I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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