I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize