There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize