Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
