Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
