I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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