dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
