Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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