The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
