i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
