News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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