I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
