I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
