And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
