He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
