So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Sext me about skeletons
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
