I'm gonna have a badass scar
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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