headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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