but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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