You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
